Quit Your Bitching

Quit Your Bitching

Let’s not kid ourselves, when it comes to landmen, the creator broke the warranty clause in the vesting deed when he made me. I’m under no illusions that there are many landmen like me anymore, because (most of them are out of work) I actually give a fuck. Most of the guys that worked for Chesapeake or some of the other big ShaleCos ran out of fucks to give a long time ago. Let’s say it could {possibly}have been 50/50 those guys lying vs their land office just not following through. It’s not a fun situation when you have to call and tell a landowner that something you promised isn’t actually going to happen, but when you’re stuck in that situation, you still have to make that call.

A lot of the landowners in South Texas got burned by those landmen that said anything just to get the deal done. I’m sure there are a handful left in the business somewhere, but I hope most of them have moved on. They got caught up in the lease grab and “forgot” to actually do their damn jobs. Almost every landowner I work with now says they would never do business with Chesapeake again. So far, knock on wood, they don’t have any complaints about my operator. It’s pretty easy to keep most of these people happy; you just answer the damn phone when they call. There have been countless times I have stepped out of a bar or restaurant to take a LO’s call. LandmanWife is used to it.

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DON'T CALL THE COPS, MAN

Most of the time the LO has a minor issue that can be handled tomorrow morning, but occasionally something has gone wrong that needs immediate attention. When I see “Joe the Rancher” calling at 7:05 pm on a Tuesday, I have no way of knowing what he’s calling about. Could be just to chat, maybe someone left a gate open, they found some trash on a lease road, or maybe one of our water transfer lines busted and flooded a County Road. If I don’t answer, I might not know until I get a call from a County Commissioner. I have always told LOs to “please give me the chance to fix it before you call anyone else.” They seem to understand what I mean, for the most part.

You want us to play ball? Gotta work with me a little bit. I would have my guys go move a fucking mountain to help out some of our LOs, because they are honest, good people. Treat me with a little respect and it’s amazing how much easier things will be between us. When you get drunk and just want to bitch, go find another (soon to be ex) wife dude. I’m not your Huckleberry, bro. Luckily, even for those assholes, I still answer the fucking phone. If it’s not urgent, or if they start going off cursing, I have hung up on these assholes plenty of times. BUT, if they call with something serious, I will do my damn job regardless of how I feel about them personally. Because like I’ve said before, I’m 150% LandmanLife.

HELP ME, HELP YOU!

Need a fence repaired? I got you. That cattle guard needs to be cleaned out? Guys will be out there first thing in the morning. Your road to the ranch house, which isn’t our lease road, needs to be bladed? I’ll have our blade driver “take a wrong turn” next week. But when I need some flowlines approved, or a sales line/SWD line/power line easement/etc, I also need you to remember these favors I’ve done along the way. Let’s be real, I’m not expecting everyone to treat me like my shit don’t stink (it does), but you can at least give me the respect due to any other human being. Want to know what happens when you’re such an outrageous asshole that you’ve pissed off almost every single person at the E&P operating your lease? Stay tuned for my upcoming story about the Lease Road, the Cow, and the Sheriff. I know we fuck shit up, that’s literally why I have a job, but let’s make things easier, quit your bitching.

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